Good morning all,
What shall I write? I'm feeling down, low and depress. Feeling so sad that I don't feel like facing the world today. It's not good for a cancer patient to feel depress. I am sure it's not totally true or otherwise there'd be more deaths caused by depression rather than the cancer itself.
Many time in my life, I received more bad news rather than good news and each time I ward it off bravely. I had my fair share of being turn down or let down because of some technical issues or simply because I just didn't qualify or wasn't good enough to be given the opportunity.
Or rather, I put it this way, "Rose, The Epitome of Sadness." Because that's what I am all about. I represent sadness to the hilt . Even Sara once said to me, "Ma, you've got sad eyes." Whatever it was, I felt the final blow yesterday when, again my only wish for something was being turn down right onto my face. The worse thing was because, it wasn't for me. It's for the children. I want to leave something behind for them before I close my eyes forever, but as usual that was not to happen.
I tried to be strong, positive and lead a normal life, but there were times when one just want to let go everything and think or do nothing. At this moment of time, I wish I am somewhere in a deserted place, having the best of time doing nothing, thinking nothing and happy. Why can't for once, I got what I wish for without the usual heartache. I was so sad yesterday that I had asked everyone to leave the house for a few hours so that I can be on own healing the sick feeling that refused to go away.
As if not enough with my grieving, I realized every time I turn on the T.V or read some articles in the newspaper, there will always be something written or said about cancer. And believe it or not, just the other day, I ( and Sara accompanied me) went for foot reflexology, ( my left foot got swollen for no reason) and we got into a conversation with the lady masseur. Guess what, her mother got bone and cervix cancer and she died last year. How depressing! It's as if this cancer thing wouldn't leave me alone. I had to be reminded about it every other day indirectly. And most of the stories wasn't a pleasant one. How can I live life normally when every day I am being reminded that death is lurking somewhere in the near future?
You think that is depressing? Think about this. Cancer patients had to watch their diet. Oh, by the way, I am suffering from diabetes and hypertension as well. Too much sugar is a no-no thing in my daily diet. I can't take sweet carbonated drinks (for it could trigger my sugar level and also cancer cells love sugar), can't take potatoes, no potato chips or french fries as too salty, no toasted bread or anything toasted (carbon), no cheese or mayonnaise, no red meat, some say no eggs and chickens.
So tell me, what else is there to enjoy? I am not complaining just feeling sorry for myself at this time of the month. Tomorrow it will go away. I write it down so that I can share my feelings with everybody and that I am only human.There are times when we feel we hit rock bottom and there's nothing we can do about it.
Okay, I guessed I had let it out some of the burden off my shoulders and I felt a whole lot better. Come tomorrow I will be my normal self again.
Ciao, until next time.
Rose
28th.November '12
Selamat pagi semua,
Apa nak tulis ya? Saya rasa sedih dan tertekan dan rasa macam tak mahu berjumpa dengan sesiapa pun hari ni. Perasaan sedih tu tak elok untuk seorang pesakit barah.Kalau betul la macam tu, dah tentu lebih ramai yang meninggal disebabkan perasaan tertekan dan sedih daripada penyakit barah itu sendiri.
Banyak kali di dalam hidup ini, saya terima berita buruk lebih daripada berita yang menyenangkan and setiap kali itu juga saya berjaya menepis dengan yakin. Dan dah banyak kali juga saya di hampakan dan ditolak kerana sebab sebab tertentu. Kekadang saya terasa seperti kesedihan itu adalah lambang hidup saya. Malah Sara, anak bongsu saya pernah kata, "mata mama nampak sedih."
Apa pun, kemarin adalah salah satu daripada hari-hari biasa yang mengecewakan hati saya. Yang paling sedih sebab apa yang saya hendak tu untuk anak-anak, bukan untuk saya. Saya ingin tinggalkan sesuatu untuk mereka sebelum saya menutup mata tapi masih tak kesampaian. Saya sering diduga olehNya berkali-kali.
Saya cuba menjadi lebih kuat dari sekarang dan berfikiran positif tetapi pada masa yang sama rasa macam dah tak larat nak hadapi semua masaalah yang datang tanpa henti. Rasa macam nak pergi jauh-jauh ke tempat yang tak ada sesiapa, boleh jadi diri saya sendiri, tak payah berfikir tentang apa-apa dan happy. Itu saja. Macam kemarin, saya suruh Sara keluar dengan abah dia dan tinggalkan saya sorang-sorang kat rumah sebab saya perlukan masa sendirian.
Seolah-olah tidak cukup dengan kesedihan yang saya rasa, saya baru perasan setiap kali saya buka T.V ka, atau baca surat khabar ka, ada saja berita tentang barah. Itu membuatkan saya rasa lebih tertekan. Semua berita mengenai barah sungguh menyedihkan. Rasa macam penyakit ni tak akan tinggalkan saya sendirian.
Macam mana saya nak teruskan hidup secara normal kalau setiap hari berita yang menyedihkan saja yang saya nampak dan dengar? Mungkin ada yang akan berkata, berita itu untuk memberi pengetahuan kepada semua. Memang betul tapi bagi pesakit itu sendiri lain pulak perasaan dia.
Tak cukup dengan berita tentang barah, dengar pulak pasal makan. Saya ni boleh dikatakan ada semua jenis penyakit. Sekarang ni saya ada diabetes dan darah tinggi campur dengan barah, apa yang boleh dan tak boleh saya makan? Ikutkan saya tak boleh ambik gula berlebihan, tak boleh garam berlebihan, tak boleh makan durian (kegemaran saya), pulut, kentang goreng, makanan berlemak, minuman berkabonat, daging dan banyak lagi. Saya jadi sampai takut nak makan takut barah tu datang balik. Jadi nak buat macam mana?
Saya bukannya tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada tapi maklum sajalah kita ni manusia biasa, perempuan pulak tu, dah tua-tua ni, rasa sedih cepat hinggap di hati. Jadi sedih jugak lah kadang-kadang tu.
Dah lega sikit dapat tuliskan apa yang terbuku dalam hati.
Okay lah sampai jumpa lagi.
Salam dari saya,
Rose
28th.Nov '12
