Raising A Difficult Child
Hello everyone,
My niece, Ika (remember my November blog of School Holidays & Weddings? I used her wedding photos) was about to have a baby, somewhere within this month.They got married last May. She must be really looking forward and at the same time a little apprehensive to welcome a new little bundle of joy into her life.
I wanna to be the first to congratulate her for being the first among her cousins to get married and now expecting a baby. Mak Cik Rose wish you all the best, Ika!
Having children is something which all new parents look forward to. Well, there may be a few isolated cases that couple prefer to not have any kids, probably because of their time consuming career, or that they were comfortable with each other or something else. Needless to say, kids bring livelihood into our lives.
Me? I got four children and had gone through all the discomfort and exhaustion of pregnancies, going into the labours and giving birth to all of them, but nothing compared to raising them. The toughest job anyone could take. Numerous sleepless nights, non stop worrying, feeding, diapers changing and the list goes on and on, endlessly.
Each and everyone of us have had bad and good experiences while raising our kids. But raising a difficult kid? This is a true challenge for any parents to cope with. Some children were born with mild manners, some are shy, some are stubborn but a hard to handle child? Oh dear, it ain't easy, I tell ya! I know, I know it too well cause I had to go through heart ache and head ache with mine. A boisterous and active child is nothing when compared to a difficult one.
You may wonder how difficult can a child get. He retaliated to everything we asked/told him to do. He stopped at nothing, feared nothing and once he set his mind on something, there's no way he'd change, come what may. I am talking about my second child, Soffian, in case you were wondering which one of them.
Let's start the chronicles : i) He once set fire to a garage next to our home when he was about four or five years old. To this day I didn't know where or how did he get the lighter to light that fire. My husband don't smoke and my stove didn't require a lighter to light up. When we asked him about it, he quietly said he didn't do it, that there was another boy who started the fire. When asked who's the boy, he couldn't show us who or which boy.
ii) On another day, the whole family were still sleeping( it was about seven something in the morning and it's weekend) when we heard a knock on the front door. I got up still groggy from my sleep and opened up the door to a middle aged man standing while holding my son's hand. While my head was still spinning thinking what the hell was this man doing with my son by his side, he asked me, "Is this your son?" I said yes.
He said, "okay in that case, please take good care of him and don't let him out of your side." I was like, haah, what's going on? He offered his explanation by saying he found my son in the middle of the main road holding up his hand as if to stop the traffic. I thought I could have fainted there and then. The road was downhill and most the vehicles passed by were usually speeding. The angel must be watching over him.
I thanked the man and hugged this little creature and asked him how did he turned the door knob. He demonstrated for me as to how he did it. He placed the little plastic stool by the door. He stood up there on his toes and turned the knob. My heart skipped a beat.
iii) One day I saw him sitting quietly at the living room counting some coins. I said," Hey, what are you doing with the coins and where did you get it?" (I never left coins or anything that I find to be dangerous scattered at home knowing full well what my son was capable of) He didn't even look up at me. " I asked again and he said it's mine. Okay, where is your piggy bank? Do you have a piggy bank that I don't know of? Again, he kept quiet. I was beginning to lose my patience. "Where did you get these coins from"? My pitch was rising. With that doleful eyes, he said he found it. I urged him to show me the place. He still didn't move. After much persuasion, he hold my hand and we walked out to the place he said he found those coins. Guess where he find it? Inside our neighbour's car. The guy washed his car inside out and left both front doors open to air it.
I explained to him that it was wrong to take other people's belonging but he refused to accept my explanation saying the car doors was open and there was no one there. So he took it. I knew then, I will have to keep all my patience, my fullest attention and energy to educate and bring this one up the best I can.
iv) He was playing with one of my neighbour's son for a few hours. Just before dark, he came home and said he wanted to take shower. I think I was cooking then so I asked him to wait for a while. Suddenly I heard a high pitched voice calling my name from outside the house. I walked quickly to the door and saw my neighbour standing in front of my house red-faced. I asked her what's going on. She asked where my son is. Still not knowing what's the noise was all about , I called out to him to come out to the front. He walked slowly to us and stood next to me quietly. The child's mother angrily shouted (of which I hated) at my son asking what had he poured on her son's body. By now, panic was slowly rushing inside my vein. What had he done? I went inside the house to switch on the light as it was really dark then. As I came back I saw the whole body of that little boy was like a snake skin or something like fish scales! Holy c@#* ! What had he done this time? I am truly in deep trouble. I swear to you this time my heart didn't skip a beat but totally stopped. After gaining my tongue, I asked Soffian, what did he do to his friend. As usual,in his quiet voice, he said he didn't do anything. The boy's mother was truly furious. She was anything but scream. I told her to calm down. I asked again slowly, where did they play just now and did they used any water or any type of liquid during that time. He said they were playing somewhere behind the landlord's house. We went to where he showed and try to find any liquid or any lead at all as to what happened earlier. Finding none, I asked my neighbour's son for explanation. He re-enact the incidence to us by picking up the coconut shell that was sliced open (probably a week earlier) and according to the little lad there was some water in it. They were throwing to each other using that water. That explained half of the story but the other half, like how the little boy's skin turned to snake-like skin remained unsolved. A few days after the incident, I asked him again. He told the same thing as he did before. But to my relief, the snake skin didn't last long. It was gone after a few days. Thank God! I could have been sued for that.
There's one time, out of exasperation, come to think of it, a few times I would threaten him by saying that I would send him to Penang to his real mother. He seemed frighten a little.That worked for a while but he soon got used to my threat. Of course I am his biological mother but I was out of ideas as to how else to raise him. Child therapists would be jumping angrily in their chairs claiming what I did was pure mental torture to a child. What else can I do. I even tried reverse psychology as suggested by a paediatrician. Didn't work!
There were many other unpredictable things he did such as burning his thigh through his lycra tights (he loved fire by the way) or refused totally to get in the car because I couldn't find his favourite shirt or that out of no reason at all he pushed his sister's forehead at a running speed (Sophie's forehead) when she was toddling towards me.
These occurred when he was between four or five years old. To write all the impossible things he did would take a few pages so what I can say, just let your imagination roam free and imagine what he's capable of , chances are he might have done it!
To raise this type of child needs us to be sensible, high level of patience and more attention given to them than his/her other siblings. Throughout the years of bringing him up, I think I only ever spanked him twice but his dad doesn't have my patience. There was once after he was spanked by his dad, he sat at the corner of the room (every time he's in that position my heart bleeds, he looks so helpless) quietly not moving at all. I would sit next to him and stroke his head gently and explain why his dad acted the way he did. I told him to be a nice boy so that everyone around loves him. But his answer caught me off guard. He said once he grew up he would never wanted to come back home because dad is bad. Later in the evening I pulled my husband aside and told him what was told by my little boy earlier.I asked him to go easy on our son.
He's grown now and he loves and respects us as much as we do to him.
Moral of the story, bring up your children the way you seem fit, never rely too much on parenting books as only you, and you alone know your child best. Use the parenting books as guide line only. Never, ever use abusive words or language towards your child no matter how mad you were. Most important, if we want our children to respect us, we had to respect them first. Listen to whatever things or stories they were telling you. It's important to them that we listen even when we find their stories to be of no significance. Share your sadness and joy with them. It will help us to bond the ties between the two generations.
Folks, don't give up on your children no matter how much headaches they must have given you. They needed you back then, now and later on in their lives.
Cheers! Have a safe day wherever you are.
Rose
17th.Feb '13
Salam semua,
Anak sedara saya, Ika (yang gambar perkahwinan nya saya guna dalam blog School Holidays and Weddings) akan mendapat anak pertama bila-bila masa saja dalam bulan ni. Tentu sekarang ni, dia tengah menunggu dengan penuh debaran untuk menyambut kedatangan seorang lagi umat Muhammad di muka bumi ini. Tahniah Ika, mak cik Rose doakan yang terbaik buat Ika dan Ajmain!
Menimang anak adalah sesuatu yang semua pasangan inginkan. Adalah juga dua tiga kes yang pasangan itu memilih untuk tidak mempunyai anak, mungkin disebabkan kerja dan kekangan masa ataupun mereka lebih suka hidup berdua saja. Apa apa pun anak-anak adalah penyeri rumah tangga.
Saya? Saya ada empat orang anak dan dah melalui kepayahan dan pening loya semasa hamil, sakit semasa bersalin dan juga bersalin itu sendiri.Payahnya hanya Allah saja yang tahu. Sebab itu la Allah Taala meninggikan darjat ibu lebih daripada para bapa. Tapi itu semua tak ada apa jika dibandingkan dengan usaha membesar dan mendidik anak-anak kita itu sendiri. Pekerjaan yang paling susah dan tidak ada gaji bagi pekerjaan seumur hidup ini. Tidur yang tak cukup, risau sepanjang masa, menukar lampin dan banyak lagi yang tak tertulis di ruang ni.
Setiap seorang drpd kita pernah melalui pahit manis pengalaman membesarkan anak-anak. Tetapi membesarkan anak yang sukar di kawal? Ini merupakan satu cabaran bagi sesiapa saja yang mempunyai anak sebegini. Bukan senang nak mengawal dan mendidik anak sebegini. Saya tahu sebab salah seorang anak saya bersifat seperti ini.
Anda mesti terfikir macam mana payah lah sangat nak mengawal anak berumur empat atau lima tahun. Dia melawan apa yang kita cakap atau suruh. Dia tak tahu rasa takut langsung dan kalau dia kata nak yang itu, itu lah yang mesti dia dapat. Saya sedang bercakap mengenai anak kedua saya, Soffian.
Jom tengok apa yang pernah dia buat : i) Dia ni memang suka api. Satu hari tu, saya terkejut bila dengar ramai menjerit api!api! diluar. Rupa-rupanya ruang kosong sebelah rumah saya terbakar sampai dah ke siling. Siasat punya siasat, kami dapat tahu anak saya yang mulakan api tu. Bila di tanya dia diam ( dia ni masa kecik memang pendiam). Saya pelik mana dia dapat lighter sebab suami tidak merokok dan dapur saya tak perlukan lighter. Saya tanya lagi, dia kata ada satu budak yang bakar. Sapa budak tu, dia tak dapat nak tunjuk siapa budak tu. Jadi saya rasa memang dia lah yang memulakan kebakaran itu. Nasib baik semua selamat.
Ada satu hari lain tu, kami semua masih tidur sebab hujung minggu. Masa tu mungkin dalam pukul 7 lebih. Tiba-tiba saya terdengar pintu depan di ketuk. Masih mamai lagi, saya pergi buka pintu. Kat depan pintu seorang lelaki dalam 40-an macam tu berdiri sambil tangan kirinya memegang tangan anak saya.
Dia tanya saya, "Ini anak awak ke"? Saya jawab ya.
Dia kata, "Kalau macam tu, tolong tengok anak cik ni elok-elok sebab saya jumpa dia berdiri tengah jalan raya sedang menggawang tangan seolah-olah nak suruh kereta berhenti."
Jantung saya terhenti sekejap. Jalan raya depan rumah saya tu curam menurun. Kereta yang lalu lalang semuanya laju-laju. Ada malaikat yang melindunginya, gamak nya.
Saya ucap terima kasih kat saudara tadi dan terus memeluk anak kecil ni sambil bertanya apa yang dia buat pagi-pagi hari di luar sana dan paling penting macam mana dia boleh buka pintu sebab tangannya masih belum boleh capai tombol pintu. Dia bawa bangku plastik dan letak kat depan pintu kemudian berdiri diatas tu.
Satu hari, saya nampak dia duduk diam-diam kat penjuru rumah sambil mengira duit syiling yang agak banyak. Saya tanya Pian dapat dari mana duit tu.(saya tak pernah biarkan benda-benda yang agak berbahaya merata-rata kerana saya kenal sangat dengan anak yang sorang ni.) Dia diam. Langsung tak angkat muka pandang saya. Saya tanya lagi, kali ni dia jawab "Pian punya." Okay, kalau Pian punya, mana tabung Pian? Dia diam lagi. Saya dah mula nak hilang sabar. "Mana Pian dapat duit ni"? Suara saya dah semakin meninggi. Dengan mata yang jernih dia pandang saya dia kata dia jumpa. Saya minta dia tunjukkan tempat dia jumpa duit tu. Selepas di pujuk, barulah dia dia bawa saya ketempat duit tu di jumpa. Teka kat mana dia jumpa? Dalam kereta jiran Cina saya. Orang tu baru basuh kereta luar dalam dan dia buka kedua-dua belah pintu depan kereta dia untuk pengudaraan.
Saya terangkan kpd dia adalah salah kalau kita ambil barang orang tanpa izin tapi dia tak mahu terima penjelasan saya. Dia kata pintu kereta tu terbuka. Susah juga nak cakap dengan anak anak sebegini.
Dia bermain dengan anak jiran saya (bukan jiran yang dia ambik duit tu), lama juga lah hari tu. Bila dah nak maghrib, dia balik. Dia kata nak mandi. Saya tengah masak jadi saya suruh dia tunggu dulu. Tiba-tiba saya dengar suara nyaring dari luar. Cepat-cepat saya ke depan. Saya tengok jiran saya berdiri dengan muka merah padam, terlampau marah agaknya. Belum sempat saya tanya dia, dia dah jerit minta panggil Soffian. Saya panggil Soffian ke depan. Dia datang dan berdiri di sebelah saya dengan muka selambanya. Jiran saya dengan suara yang tinggi bertanya apa yang anak saya dah curah kat belakang anak dia. Bila dia cakap macam tu, saya dah mula rasa panik. Apa pulak yang dia dah buat? Saya ke dalam sekejap buka lampu sebab keadaan di luar dah mula gelap sangat. Bila saya ke depan semula, saya terkejut bila tengok badan anak jiran saya tu, macam kulit ular ataupun sisik ikan. Masya Allah! Apa saya nak buat ni? Kali ni jantung saya memang terhenti terus. Bila dah agak reda rasa panik saya, saya pun tanya "Pian buat apa kat badan ...saya dah lupa nama budak tu. Seperti biasa, ddengan suara yang perlahan dia kata tak buat apa. Emak budak tu nampak dah tersangat marah bila dengar jawapan anak saya. Saya suruh dia bertenang sekejap. Saya tanya lagi dengan Pian, dia orang main apa tadi dan main kat mana. Dia kemudian bawa kami ketempat dia orang bermain tadi. Di situ ada buah nyior yang dah terbelah dua. Nampak macam dah lama di belah. Tapi dah kering nyior tu. Kali ni saya tanya anak jiran saya pulak. (anak ni lebih pendiam dari Soffian) Dia pun tunjukkan semula macam mana dia orang buat. Dia orang main simbah air menggunakan air nyior tadi tapi kenapa kulit Pian tak jadi apa sedangkan kulit anak jiran bertukar jadi macam sisik ikan.
Selang beberapa hari saya tanya lagi dengan harapan dapat jawapan tapi masih begitu jugak jawapan yang anak saya berikan. Nasib baiklah kulit anak itu jadi elok selepas beberapa hari. Kalau tak mungkin dah kena saman.
Ada satu perkara lucu yang saya buat, bila dah hilang punca macam mana nak kawal dia sorang. Saya gertak kata nak hantar dia kpd ibunya (Aminah) di Penang sebab tak larat nak jaga. Kesian pulak tengok muka dia. Takut sangat. Berjaya la juga untuk beberapa ketika, lepas tu balik ke perangai dia. Mana ada ibu Aminah kat Penang tu sebab saya ja lah mak dia.
Ni kalau pakar kanak-kanak dengar mesti marah dengan saya sebab mengguna cara yang tidak sepatutnya dan mungkin mencemar mentaliti anak-anak. Habis tu, dah kering idea nak buat macam mana. Ada satu doktor cadangkan guna reverse psychology pun saya dah cuba. Tak berkesan juga.
Ada banyak lagi perkara-perkara yang dibuatnya seperti membakar menggunakan bunga api seluar tight kain jenis lycra sampai berlubang paha dia tapi tetap tak menangis cuma bila nak tidur malam tu ja mungkin dah tak tahan sangat dah kot.
Ada juga semasa adik perempuan dia (Sophie) baru bertatih, berjalan ke arah saya, si Soffian ni meluru dari luar rumah lalu menampar dahi adiknya sampai jatuh terlentang. Tak bersebab pun dia buat macam tu.
Sekali tu kami nak keluar makan, dia menangis tak mau naik kereta selagi baju yang dia nak pakai tu jumpa.
Kalau nak tulis semua hal yang dilakukannya memang berhelai helai muka surat la jawabnya.
Nak membesarkan anak-anak sebegini, kita perlu mengambil sikap lebih lembut dari biasa sebab kanak-kanak macam ni memang kuat memberontak. Kalau kita pun ikut memberontak, anak jenis ni akan lebih menjauhkan diri dari kita. Kita harus banyak bersabar dan memberi lebih perhatian terhadap mereka. Sepanjang membesarkan dia, saya rasa ada dua kali saya memukulnya. Dah hilang sabar sangat-sangat. Tapi bapanya lebih sikit dari saya. Ada sekali tu, selepas di pukul bapa dia, dia duduk dipenjuru bilik (bila saya tengok dia dalam keadaan begini, hati saya menangis) Saya duduk disebelah dia usap rambut sambil menerangkan sebab dia di pukul. Saya minta dia jadi lebih baik baru orang sayang. Tapi jawapan dia mengejutkan saya. Dia kata nanti bila dah besar dia tak nak balik kerumah ni lagi sebab abah pukul.
Petang tu saya cakap dengan suami agar berhati-hati sebab takut Soffian ni jenis pendendam. Tapi alhamdulilah sampai hari ni dia menjadi anak yang baik. Buas tu tetap buas tapi hati nya baik.
Apa pun, kita besarkan anak-anak mengikut acuan kita sendiri. Tak payah terlalu bergantung pada buku-buku panduan ke ibubapaan. Gunakan buku buku itu sebagai garis panduan harian kita.
Jangan sekali kali menggunakan perkataan kesat terhadap anak-anak walau se marah mana sekalipun kita.
Paling penting, hormatilah anak-anak kalau kita nak dia orang hormatkan kita. Dengar apa yang dia orang nak cerita pada kita walaupun cerita tu tak ada apa-apa sangat. Kongsi kegembiraan dan kesedihan anda dengan mereka. Ini dapat membantu mengeratkan talian diantara ibu dan anak-anak.
Kepada semua, jangan kita biarkan anak-anak sendirian kerana sesakit mana pun hati kita, mereka memerlukan kita dulu, kini dan akan datang.
Sekian. Wassalam.
Rose
17th.Feb '13.
