Salam to all the Muslims & hello to everyone,
It has been almost 3 weeks since I last updated my blog.. Hectic schedule has made it quite impossible for me to catch up with daily mundane.
It has been in my mind for quite some time to write about this issue but I keep on putting it off and keep changing my mind every time I thought I got the courage of doing so. This morning after Sahur (early breakfast for those who fast during Ramadhan month), I said to myself I had to be brave. It's nothing. It's just cancer.
Yes, I'd like to write something about people with cancer as I am ONE of them. I've got breast cancer. There, it's out in the open. (even though my heart is beating so fast at the time I am writing it) I don't know why, but I feel kind of weird to let it out in the open. Maybe I don't want people's sympathy or the sorry look that one gave whenever they got to know that someone they know is battling for life because of this disease.
When I said hectic schedule that's because I am now in Penang for 3 weeks for my final treatment to battling this disease. I am here for radiotheraphy. I had to leave my husband and children back home in Langkawi. Since Sophie will only start her college in the last week of this month, she accompanies me whilst I am here in Penang. God had planned it in such a way that I am left in the capable hand of Sophie. Even though she's just only eighteen, she has become indispensable to me. She's such a darling. Usually, Sara, my other daughter will be with me but since this treatment is taking too much time, she is left with her dad and brothers. Poor baby..(oh she's 16 by the way) only to me she's still a baby.
I got to know about the disease last year in July. I don't know how to say about it. Was I in shock? Not really because I kind of expect it. I don't know why I said that but it's true. At the back of my mind, I thought I will have cancer one day and I did. How I feel about it? Again, I don't know. At first, when the doctors told me about it, I was calm. I didn't cry nor was I in state of agony, I just ask them quietly what stage was I. They said they can't confirm it yet. Will let me know in a week's time.
Mixed feeling and reaction came later after about a week. Initially,I cried for thinking I may die in a few years time. Oh my God, what about my children? My daughters? Who would be there to share their stories after coming home from school? Who would care for them the way I care for them all this while? I am sure their dad would be there for them but he is not me. He wouldn't know how to make them feel better when they are down. My boys. However much headaches they had given me, they are still my precious little boys. Who would want to have them? All these thoughts keep on lingering in my head that I don't have much time for anything else.
The first one month was the worst. I felt terrible. As if my mixed feeling of sadness,anger and fear didn't come into account, I had to start this treatment called chemotherapy. I hate it with all my might. Had to endure long hours with the drip stuck into the vein. It took six months before completing the whole session.The after treatment was worse. I felt nauseous,head-aches and lost of appetites. I hate the sight and smell of the hospital. It had become my second home. I soon lost all my hair. I looked hideous.I felt so unloved but this family of mine is one in a million. Each and everyone of them keep loving and caring for me even when I am in my foul mood.
Then came the thought, How will I die? Will I die slowly and in pain? Will it affect my family to see me dying? I especially worried about my 2 girls as we were always together sharing silly jokes and stories. I finally got my strength one day when I heard Sara cried when she thought I was already asleep and when Sophie rest her head on my shoulder at our little porch one evening and said quietly to me that we will fight together and that she wants me to get well soon so that she can take me travelling around the world with her one day. What else can you ask from Him? I am blessed with this family of mind and I promised myself that I will fight for their sake. If my time comes sooner that expected, at least they remembered me as someone who is always cheerful and has a positive thinking.
That is what I am doing now. Though,they may not know the true thoughts inside my mind, they know that I am sincerely fighting it for them and that I will not stop fighting it till the last breath of mine were taken by my Creator.
I hope my little blog will give some inspiration for those who had the same disease. Don't stop fighting. Remember each and everyone of us will die. The only difference is we kind of know our time might be sooner than others. That's all. But then again, we may out-lived others. It's in His hand. We're mere mortals, so enjoy what we have while it lasts.
That's all for today. God bless you and till next time. I am out.
Rose
4th.Aug '12
